The value of grandparents

Summers in China are always busy - we're always running around doing something or another, and before I know it, it's time to go back to England, and my grandparents hug us goodbye with tears in their eyes, knowing it'll be yet another year before they can see us again.

Unlike the average child growing up in the UK, I could never just walk round the corner to visit my 'nana'. Instead, I would only see my grandparents for one or two months a year, during our annual trip back to China. Even this is privileged enough, as plane tickets to China are pretty expensive. You'd think that we'd make more effort to get closer to our relatives because of the distance imposed on us, but this imposed distance often proves as a barrier to real communication. In England, my parents would only occassionally tell me stories about my grandparents (e.g. your grandad had a tough life), and likewise my parents would report back to them about the more notable aspects of my life (e.g. she's doing well at school). As a result, we tended to get typecast into certain roles, such as 'Lisa's the clever, academic, fat one' and 'Lily's the supermodel-esque gifted dancer'. While it annoyed me for a good while, I've come to realise that these labels actually make it easier for them to get to know us, and makes them feel closer to us in a short amount of time. So, while we don't end up actually explaining and sharing our hobbies and news, we instead move straight into making the most of spending time with loved ones, eating our favourite dishes that our grandparents lovingly prepare for us and just basking in the joy of being reunited.

Now, I've had enough of being typecast as a 2-dimensional figure (it's fine when you're young and all you do is play Snake/Space Impact on your Nokia 3310 while on holiday), especially as I'm facing a lot of important turning points in my life. In brief, I need all the advice I can get, and I need to communicate with my family on a much more deeper level, so that I can explain my point of view and engage in more meaningful dialogue with them. Plus, I'm becoming more and more independent, in terms of being surgically attached to Alex and being of an age where I'm carving out my own path, and where even marriage doesn't seem that far away. People have already been asking about my relationship with Alex, wondering where he is, and talking about weddings. Needless to say, my family have a lot of advice to give, and lots of stories that they feel might be appropriate to share with me now more than ever.

I was just about to set out and take a walk around Chengdu when I sat down for an impromptu chat with my grandparents about careers and relationships. They have really reinforced some notions that I had always accepted and agreed with, but never really taken to heart in the way I might do now.

My grandfather told me that you must be able to 吃苦 - literally speaking, this means to be able to stomach bitterness, i.e. to be able to endure hardship - be it emotional, physical, within your professional life or otherwise. Now this saying is very popular among Chinese people, especially of our parents' generation and above, for it has been the key means of survival and success. My grandad talked to me about the hardships that he suffered: he lost his mother at a very early age, and was then put into the care of his stepmother. 'Now, do you really expect that your stepmother will treat you well? Of course not', he said. I couldn't detect any hatred or blame in his tone; he had long since forgiven her for the cruel way in which she treated both him and his sister, such as refusing to give his sister new clothes when she was going through puberty, subjecting her to public humiliation.. He ran away from home and started working at the age of 14, and during this time, he didn't keep in touch with his family, so they presumed him dead. He later procured a highly regarded position within the civil aviation, which, combined with his unwavering dedication and work ethic, still draws admiration from his peers today. He eventually returned back to his family, and dutifully sent money back to them every year, even coming back to take care of his stepmother when she fell ill. On her deathbed, she finally apologised for having treated him so badly over all those years, and thanked him from the bottom of her heart for being there for her at a time when her own daughters were not.

Later, I asked him about how he met my grandmother. He said that he knew he wanted her from the minute he laid eyes on her; she was dressed in plain, unadorned clothing, without any make-up - a practical and down-to-earth girl. When he met with her and her family, both sides shyly consented to the relationship; my grandfather said that he did not mind and agreed to go out with her, and my grandmother, after being pushed by her family ('go on, say it, he already has!') consented too, after which my grandfather replied quite matter of factly that 'that was that - 就这么说定了', and that since he occupied a civil position he must have a final confirmation so that he could report back to his boss.

Since then, they've spent over 50 years' together. They celebrated their gold wedding anniversary two years ago - there's a pair of gold pigs snuggling up against each other sat on the TV, with the words 'harmony and happiness' 和谐幸福 inscribed below. It hasn't been easy though, with my grandfather becoming blind at the age of 48, never having actually seen my 16 year-old sister, diabetic at 58, and most recently, contracting life-threatening heart problems. All the while through, my grandma has always been there by his side, though her health is far from satisfactory. She's been religiously administering his insulin injections, making sure he eats at the correct time, leading him across the living room to the dining room in case he falls, and leading him back again when he wants to sit down or brush his teeth. She knows he loves to listen to the national news at 7pm, and always makes sure the TV is switched on and that the right channel is selected. Every day, she undertakes all the household responsibilities- going to market, paying the bills, cooking, cleaning, dealing with broken appliances, liaising with workmen. While you often hear her complaining about my grandfather and calling him a 死老头子(annoying old man) when she gets fed up with repeating herself (he has difficulty hearing so can't often hear her), she's incredibly affectionate, and it's apparent in everything she does that she's always thinking of him. When he's sat on the sofa minding his own business, fanning himself with a bamboo fan like most old Chinese men like to do, she'll say, 'Hey have some fruit, it's not that sweet (therefore ok for diabetics)', and will proceed shove a slice of pear in his hand, or directly and haphazardly into his mouth. Even though he's trying to watch his weight, she'll often feel sorry for him and constantly ask if he's hungry, and put some more food into the bowl of food that she prepares especially for him at every meal. My grandfather told me that he was immensely grateful for her unwavering devotion, taking care of him when sometimes he fears that she's not even able to take care of himself. Even though on a day-to-day basis, such feelings aren't vocalised, he expresed his gratitude loudly and clearly, and when my grandma came to tell him to hurry up and take his medicine, though her voice was as resonating and 唠叨(nagging) as it usually is, her eyes were watery, her face aglow, lit by a deep smile that spread from ear to ear.

What then, can I take away from this?

That grandparents are one of the most valuable and rewarding sources of learning and inspiration.

That hardship is nothing to be feared. While the modern world is full of self-imposed structure, while business success is compared to a secret recipe or series of steps one needs to take, there are no limits to human possibility. The possibility lies within us - even 'talent', or 'fate', lies within us - it's nothing more than the blood pumping through our veins, the spirit of determination and unwavering commitment that drives us to a certain goal. (Ok the last part was taken from a soppy goodbye speech from China's equivalent of Pop Idol 快乐男声 but still, I really liked it!).

That I need to keep in mind my ultimate goals in life. My grandfather, looking back on his life, is content with his legacy, with his devoted wife, with his succesful daughter and son and their respective marriages, and his grandchildren. His contentment is something I'd like to strive for.

That the long-term survival of a relationship lies in the maturity of perspective that we bring to it; this is something other than the tumultuous passions and the be all and end all of romantic fictions. Good, long-term relationships are like familial relationships - they are forever, and must not be lived out in the threat of unnecessary ultimatums. We grow them like we grow our relationships with our family, learning from giving, as opposed to taking, and solidifying our foundations until they are unshakable, until the love is unconditional.